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It's always difficult to start to write about my random feelings, but I really wanna share it here, on my beloved blog, unless it can ease my mind.

Let me tell about an awkward moment that I've been feeling lately on my college. It looks like some friends has changed. I know why they're become like that, as I become a lazy girl who  rarely came to campus and hanging out with them. What I did is just come to campus, listen to lecturer and make some note when I'm in a good mood to learn, and when the class is over I go home or somewhere, leaving campus. Customers order is waiting for me, as you know.

But it become so creepy lately, I'm getting lazy for college not because I have to rush the order, but because I'm afraid to face my friends statements or something kinda veiled judgement for me. Such as tumben kuliah, sehh rajin, wah rupanya ada belajar qe yaa... Although maybe it's just  a joke, but sometimes it hurts my heart so deep. Whereas I have been considered them as my closest friend on campus. For example in case, if we had to make a group by two person, I'm one of those person who didn't know with whom to make. It seems like no one wanna be my friend in group, poor me. I'm extremely depressed thinking of this, I was crying on the way home yesterday, yeah I'm still so whiny.

I really don't wanna feel this way anymore, I had to choose college as my first needs now, and they're included on that. Hopefully it would be better tomorrow and the next day, I no longer feel offended because of that usual statements, actually.

You're the reason why I look forward to tomorrow

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily 
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make 
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use 
The tools and gifts we got, we got a lot at stake
 And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend 
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in 
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not 
And who I am 
No, I won't give up 
God knows we're worth it. 
I won't give up. - Jason Mraz

It's good to know that now I have someone who'll not have the intentions of breaking my heart. Instead, he would be willing to mend it, picking up the broken pieces of my heart that my past love have scattered in the ground. He may not be able to put the pieces back to where they really belong, but I shouldn't mind, because he had repaired that heart of mine, and he fixed it in his own way. He loves me in his own way, not the way my past did. He fixed my heart in a different way, to keep me from feeling the pains of my past heartache and to make me feel the love, that he's unselfishly giving. 

Even though it's always a little thing mess between us but I won't give up easily, I will fight for what I want. I can’t just throw away all the hard work and time I put into him. I won’t just give up because times are hard. I will keep fighting for what I want until I can’t fight anymore, until giving up is the only option left. I can’t promise him a perfect relationship without arguments or something else, However, I can promise him as long as he's trying, I’m staying. 

I won’t give up on us.

We're meet again :')

I feel happy, but sad too. After more than 3 months that I never saw him again, suddenly this night he came to my house. I admit that I miss him so bad. But I'm not in a good mood, many thing happens unexpected today. I don't know how to say, I don't wanna make him sad too, he's so kind to me, he came from his hometown only just wanna meet me, again.

So true, I'm so moody, then I was trying to fake a smile.

I know that some thing doesn't work out as we want to, but I just can't stand in something that contrived.  It's a good thing that he surprising me, but I'm not that idiot to lied to. Randomly I thing that those guy are seems like those jerk from the past. It's not fair to judge him like that because I never and never dared to make something clear. I'm just afraid. I'm afraid to lose again.